For all those who shared their thoughts with me throughout the years via the world wide web, here’s to you. I hope you enjoy. And to the new comers, welcome. Dare to enter my mind.
I publish a new piece of work ranging from personal art work to poems that sprout from my head.
I dare you to judge me,
to curse at me,
to hurt me all you want.
Because nothing will sting as much as the thoughts that run through my head.
Did you know thoughts can
and crumble your heart into nothing?
Welcome to my life.
Where the external world doesn’t play a role in the living hell I go through everyday.
Where my mind is my greatest enemy.
And where I fight demons even on the prettiest of days.
Welcome to my life.
Dare to enter.
My therapist suggested I write with my left hand. Thinking it might give me a different perspective and experience. So, here we go. At this moment, I’m feeling a lot of emotions for my roommate. She’s a sweet soul who is struggling right now. I’m also exhausted by all the new residents. Another friend I made is sitting next to me. I like making her smile with her teeth because she does it so little.
Some how my parents have experienced life together for 50 years. My aunt and uncle as well. And everyone else is too young to say they’ve even lived that long. I have gathered that their generation learned to push through their young life problems. They didn’t give up, both on themselves and each other. A power I won’t understand for a long time. A reality I may never live but I can try and discover. Somehow, after 50 years, my parents have learned how to live a life of constant fixing and problem solving in a world just as chaotic as today. They have an appreciation for what was and what is. And life is just a part of their story they choose to live.
The moment you offer a piece of gum and they say yes and you didn’t secretly hope they would say no
The moment you share food without passive aggressive annoyance
The moment when you take turns copying and doing homework
The moment you can sleep in the same bed and not feel weird
The moment you think of them because only you two know the inside joke
The moment you put yourself out there because they won’t judge you, rather they will automatically think of similarities
The moment you can make fun of each other about anything because you know each other so well, not the other way around
The moment when you start sharing personal stories because you don’t feel embarrassed
The moment you feel safe to express your opinions no matter the subject
The moment when you have too many stories to tell
That’s a beautiful friendship
That’s a deep friendship
That’s a real friendship
If I was strong I would have never attempted suicide
If I was strong I would have never made that first cut
If I was strong I wouldn’t have experimented with drugs
If I was strong I would have never said I was a failure so often
If I was strong I would have never hurt others
If I was strong I would have never erased so many good memories because I perceive them as bad
If I was strong I would have never lied about missing an event because I was tired
If I was strong I would have never fell so deep
If I was strong I would have never induced panic attacks because I was too scared to face reality
If I was strong I would have never left my old life behind
If I was strong I would have never started a path to self destruction
Recently, friends ask me why I’m not in a relationship. Not to be rude or pressure me into dating someone, but because they know I love people and they love me back. This is for them. Why I don’t date.
Because dating me means dating my past, present and future anxieties. It means dating my emotional fluctuations that turn me into an emotional wreck. It means vulnerability becomes too real for me to handle. It means trying to accept that someone likes me or loves me more than I like and love myself most days. It means dealing with my struggles that no one else sees. Dating me comes with more challenges than I feel anyone wants to face and so far, I’ve been right.
Just lay out flat on your back they say
Breathe they say
Close your eyes they say
Tense up and then loosen all the joints in your body they say
Starting at your toes they say
Working your way up to your head they say
Move to the rhythm of the music they say
Watch your belly rise and fall they say
Just try and relax they say
This is not relaxing for me I say
I don’t write for a response, or pity, or sympathy, or some other sort of validation.
I don’t write for anyone or anything.
I don’t write about one topic.
I don’t write to satisfy something that I lack.
I don’t write and expect things to change.
I don’t write for any specific reason other than a way to see my thoughts on “paper.”
I write for my own release of emotions that I can’t always explain out loud.
Sleep is an inactive, relaxed, unconscious state. It’s quite an interesting concept. Though the act is very scientific, it can be used as a lesson. Don’t you agree? Sleep, scary to some, mindless to others. It is a time to re live an experience true or not, painful or joyous, confusing or relatable. Whether it’s the pain we experience during the day to escape from reality come night time, or the rest we need from a hectic day, sleep can be a catalyst for a balanced life. As unconscious the activity may be, that makes it more powerful. If sleep is the hardest part of the day, make the day the easiest. If the day is too much, make sleep the simplest. Find the middle ground if you fit in between. Somehow, sleep should be a life lesson. Not just a necessity.
The Disney movie Coco was a beautiful master piece. Not just visually, but it was deeply thought provoking. As seen in the movie, they describe two types of death. The first being your physical death when your body becomes a lifeless entity. The second, and the saddest of the two, is the last time you’re remembered on earth by your descendants. The last time someone knows your name, knows your story. In some instances, you may never be forgotten because you made history and that makes you important to society. In Coco, the message is to continue your ancestors legacy so no one is forgotten (along with many other life lessons.) That way, you never really die because your “soul” lives in the people who have not yet joined you. Even more so, in this film, they describe the depressing but real concept that when you’re forgotten, that’s when your soul dies. No longer a figment of anyone’s life. How many people do you think have been forgotten in this world? It’s sad to think about.
I have had greatness instilled in me
I don’t know what it is
What it is for
Or how I will use it
But I have been given a chance
To do something great
For something beyond myself
And for a reason I don’t think I even understand
I have been waiting for this opportunity
Too scared to ever start
Too weak to expect the failures
But I will persist to know
The greatness I possess
I’m learning. I’m actually learning a lot. Not just about myself too. I’m exploring the wide range of human emotion, and you know what I noticed? We’re all pretty freakin similar.
-Had an epiphany, Resident 208
Where has the time gone
Today’s an anniversary
Should I be celebrating or mourning
Have I become something better than I was
Or am I what I feared I would be
I feel like I’m frozen in time
And there is no future
Every year I look and realize everything’s in fast motion
While I sit and watch it happen
And somehow the world’s moved on
Bringing me along with it
So when it feels like one day determines your life path
How would you feel about it
Everything around me is changing
So much more
But as it’s all happening
I’m changing with it